The Washington Roast

Obama: “Let Grandma Die!”

Mike — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 06:56:52 +0000

Washington, D.C., Sept 10, 2009 President Barack Obama made the speech of his life tonight as he tried to convince congress and a skeptical nation about his new health plan. The President supported right-wing and Republican plans to form death panels, first proposed by Sarah Palin, to determine when to cut off health care to the elderly. “Let Grandma Die!” he said accompanied by a chant from the Republican side of congress. “You don’t lie,” cried one GOP congressman, Joe Wilson. In addition Obama promised to exclude anyone with a pre-existing condition from any kind of insurance coverage. He went on to state, “All small employers will be required to buy into the plan no matter how much it cost and no one who has health insurance now can keep it.” He gave further details regarding illegal aliens. “All of them will have health care,” he said. He also went on to explain how Medicare and Medicaid, “won’t even remotely look the same.” As far as paying for the plan, the president promised, “Everyone’s taxes will go up and this will bust the budget so that the country goes bankrupt.” As far as reform goes he stated that, “People should sue anytime they want. Doctors have lots of money. I will forbid any kind of preventive care.” Surveys made by the major networks after the speech showed that most people were satisfied by the speech and felt better about health care. “It’s good to know that nothing has changed, in Washington” said one man in an on the street interview.

Obama To Kids: “Have Fun”

Mike — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 03:51:40 +0000

Washington, D.C., Sept 7, 2009 In his much anticipated address to school kids throughout the nation, President Barack Obama told kids, “You gotta have fun!” He went on to say, “School is a time for having fun, using drugs, smoking cigarettes and having unprotected sex. Why else would you be in school?” When asked about his pled to encourage kids to stay in school he said, “School is a pain in the butt. If you don’t like it drop out!” Conservatives throughout the United States were greatly releived to hear this message. “I thought he’d tell kids to become socialists. What a relief,” said Republican spokesman, Glen Beck.

Does Semenya Have Semen?

Mike — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 01:08:48 +0000

Sometimes a story is so strange that The Washington Roast need not poke fun at it but merely report it. Mokgadi Caster Semenya, a middle distance runner from South Africa, won the world championship in the 800 meter at a time of 1:55.45 at the 2009 World Championship of Athletics in Berlin. Okay so what? you say. Well, this was in the woman’s championships and we are not sure if Semenya is a man or a woman! Evidently there is some sort of controversy involving his/her sex. Her/his time was so incredible that many think that she not only runs but looks like a man. Authorities are investigating and Semenya, who may have sperm, may be disqualified. Evidently there was doubt right from the beginning and she was tested in the past. South African authorities, understandably, support their relatively unknown, come from behind winner. We won’t know for a couple of weeks and so, for the time being, Mokgadi Caster Semenya, is still champ but he/she may be castrated by the sports world.

California Burns to the Ground

Mike — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 06:26:31 +0000

California, September 1, 2009 California has completely burned to the ground. After years of drought left forests and pastures dry as a bone, California has caught fire and burned up completely, “Good riddance,” cried conservative Senator James Inhofe (R–Okla). Conservatives all over the country applauded the event. “We’re hoping that this will stop those crazy trends from f……. up the rest of the country,” claimed Michael Steele, Chairman of the Republican National Committee. “No more trees, no more tree-huggers,” said Jerry Falwell from the grave. Falwell is not buried in California. Right-wingers see this as a step in the right direction for getting the country back on track. “Fifty-five electoral votes we don’t have to worry about,” said Steele. The destruction of California takes care of many of the country’s ills. Those terrible TV shows like Beverly Hills, 920-whatever will be gone. The border with Tijuana and Mexico is now gone and there will be fewer illegal immigrants and fewer drugs crossing over. Many members of congress, no longer having a state to represent will decrease the number of congressman, always a good thing–and thousands of lawyers have died. Newt Gingrich chimed in, “…and Nancy Pelosi is gone!”

Sarah Palin Imprisoned by Conservatives for 18 Years

Mike — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 00:42:22 +0000

Wasilla, Alaska, August 31, 2009 It was revealed yesterday that former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin had been kidnapped as an eleven year old child and held prisoner by conservatives for 18 years. The former vice presidential candidate was held in a compound in the back yard of a convicted conservative offender amid a network of sheds, barriers and tarps for 18 years at which time she did not go to school. This explains her awful grasp of geography, especially the location of Russia of Canada and her total lackof knowledge of political events. Officials say that Palin, who is now under treatment by therapists in Wasilla while recuperating with her family, never had a grammar lesson and was never taught what a period was at the end of a sentence explaining her rambling discourses. Her captors, a conservative husband and wife, kept her locked up unbeknownst to neighbors since her abduction as a child. She bore two daughters by the male captor named I Don’t Believe In Birth Control and I Don’t Beleive in Sex Education.

The Lion of the Senate

Mike — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 05:40:32 +0000

Boston, August 28, 2009 For once this is not a funny article. I have been addicted to the Kennedy family since I was a child and stayed up all night watching the Kennedy-Nixon presidential returns. I lived through Camelot–and the end of Camelot. The death of President Kennedy was the worst day of my life. I campaigned for McCarthy as a young but cheered on Bobby Kennedy. We have all followed the career of Edward Kennedy, both the ups and the downs. But however you stand politically you have to admit that he was a prime mover in American politics. Most people would call him liberal. I’m not so sure. I would call him universal. How lucky we are to have such a man protect and promote the rights of the average person, especially the underprivileged. Ted Kennedy was a force in politics born of an age of idealism–and he never strayed from that stance. This would not be the same country if he had not striven ever year, ever week, ever day, to try to make our lives better. I will miss him, just like I miss his brothers. He left us too soon.

Aung San Suu Kyi Gets 600 Years House Arrest

Mike — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 04:29:08 +0000

Burma, August 26, 2009 Democracy activist Aung San Suu Kyi was sentenced to 600 more years of house arrest when she was convicted of breathing today. The Nobel laureate, who has spend the last 14 of 20 years under house arrest, was accused of the crime by the nation’s ruling junta. The military government, in an appearance of leniency, commuted the 600 years from hard labor to house arrest further extending her sentence past the end of the Cenozoic Era. Suu Kyi, who was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for her democracy efforts in 1991, was also denied access to her attorney and her physician. After all, how selfish can one get?

Failure Rewarded–Bernanke Renamed Fed Chairman

Mike — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 04:41:25 +0000

Martha’s Vineyard, August 25, 2009 With an overwhelming desire to reward failure, President Barack Obama reappointed Ben Bernanke as Federal Reserve Chairman. Mr. Bernanke, appointed Fed Chairman by the financial genius, former President George H. Bush, oversaw the Fed during the country’s greatest expansion of debt, indulgence in subprime mortgages and the greatest economic collapse since the Great Depression. “Herbert Hoover was dead and Bernie Madoff was in jail so that left Ben,” said the President. Bernanke will be re-appointed to a four year term. The announcement coincided with the revelation that the federal deficit will be higher than predicted by $2 trillion. Asked why he decided to recycle Bernanke, including passing over budget expert Larry Summers, the president responded that he wanted “consistency.”

Death Panels Forming

Mike — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 01:29:39 +0000

Washington, DC, August 23, 2009 Potential appointees for the Obama Death Panels are being vetted by the White House. “We don’t want any old people slipping through the cracks and getting health care,” said White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. Recommendations are being taken from white supremacist hate groups, Nazi organizations, terrorist networks and Republicans. “Not even my own granny will get health care,” claimed Republican Charles Grassley of Iowa. Death Panels, organizations who will decide under the new health plan whether people live or die, were formulated by former Alaska governor Sarah Palin upon hearing of end of life counseling. However she still feels that her retarded daughter should have special government sponsored treatment.

Town Halls Turn Violent

Mike — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 03:48:03 +0000

Tombstone, AZ–August 18, 2009 The debate over healthcare reform took a violent turn today as adversaries in the Obama health plan took the fight into the streets. Opponents and supporters of reform shot it out in downtown Tombstone, not far from the O.K. Corral, in a deja vu gunfight reminiscent of the Old West. Strangely the shooting broke out between descendents of the Earps, supporting the establishment health plan, and the progeny of the McLaurys and the Clantons, opposing government control especially the Public Option. Once again the McLaurys and the Clantons got the worst of it with almost all of the gang ending up in the emergency room. Unfortunately the McLaurys and the Clantons did not have health insurance and the rest of us have to pick up the tab.