Washington, D.C., Sept 10, 2009 President Barack Obama made the speech of his life tonight as he tried to convince congress and a skeptical nation about his new health plan. The President supported right-wing and Republican plans to form death panels, first proposed by Sarah Palin, to determine when to cut off health care to… »
Washington, D.C., Sept 7, 2009 In his much anticipated address to school kids throughout the nation, President Barack Obama told kids, “You gotta have fun!” He went on to say, “School is a time for having fun, using drugs, smoking cigarettes and having unprotected sex. … »
Sometimes a story is so strange that The Washington Roast need not poke fun at it but merely report it. Mokgadi Caster Semenya, a middle distance runner from South Africa, won the world championship in the 800 meter at a time of 1:55.45 at the… »
California, September 1, 2009 California has completely burned to the ground. After years of drought left forests and pastures dry as a bone, California has caught fire and burned up… »
Wasilla, Alaska, August 31, 2009 It was revealed yesterday that former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin had been kidnapped as an eleven year old child and held prisoner by conservatives for… »
Boston, August 28, 2009 For once this is not a funny article. I have been addicted to the Kennedy family since I was a child and stayed up all night… »
Mexico City–Genetic testing has revealed that the swine flu is Rush Limbaugh. Scientists at UC San Diego Medical School have found that there is no genetic difference between Rush… »
Pennsylvania–May 7, 2009 In a continuing pitiful and transparent move to garner more votes Senator Arlen Specter has decided to become a female. Earlier this week the Senator from… »
Guantanamo May 19, 2009 - Secret tapes found at Guantanamo Prison revealed that Vice President Dick Cheney personally tortured prisoners with his speeches.
So-called enemy combatants were routinely strapped down and… »
Guantanamo Bay May 23, 2009—After a rugged military tribunal all remaining Guantanamo detainees were moved to an apartment building in Cleveland. “They’ll never find their way out,” stated President Obama… »
Smallville - May 30, 2009 In a shocking revelation genetic testing revealed that the runaway kid, Daniel Hauser, and villian Lex Luther are brothers separated at birth. The story was… »
New York - May 31, 2009 “She raced after a bus and when she missed that she raced after a cab.” exhorted Newt Gingrich, spokesman for the Republican Party, commenting… »
Detroit - June 1, 2009 After the deal with Fiat (short for Fix It Again Tony) fell through Chrysler, the nation’s third largest car manufacturer, announced that it will be… »
San Francisco - June 9, 2009 San Francisco, home of the Golden Gate Bridge and Cable cars that reach half way to the stars, seceded from the Union today. Mayor… »
June 7, 2009 - New York. Republicans were right to worry. Records show that the President and Mrs. Obama went on a wild $24,000 spending spree on the taxpayer’s nickel…. »
Los Angeles - 204,001st runner up Susan Boyle has been crowned the new Miss California after the other 204,000 contestants were disqualified. “I would be happy to fly to New… »
Tehran - June 13, 2009 In a stunning victory Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad trounced rival Mir-Hossein Mousavi with 99.99% of the vote. The amazing turn-around came on the heels of polls… »
Alaska, June 16, 2009 - As long suspected by a sympathetic media genetic testing results just in today proves that David Letterman is Bristol Palin’s father. “Okay,” admitted Letterman,… »
Bagdad, June 15, 2009 - Former President George H.W. Bush (#41) led the 101st airborne paratroopers on a raid deep into Iraqi territory today in an attempt to flush out… »
Washington D.C. June 15, 2009 — The switch from analog TV to full digital television has sparked a national disaster. Calls have been made by all states for President Obama… »
Silicon Valley, June 21, 2009 - The mystery of Steve Jobs disappearance for the last couple of months has been revealed at Apple HQ this morning. Desperately in need of… »
June 21, 2009 - Secretary of State Hillary Clinton broke her elbow this week while doing an aerial in the qualifying round of the World Championships of Skateboarding. The International… »
London, June 20, 2009 - Princes William and Harry of England have developed the new Bill and Harry’s Chopper Kill video game which will hit stores in time for the… »
Los Angeles, June 26, 2009 - Sometimes things are just too sad to make fun of. This is the first time in The Washington Roast’s history that we have not… »
South Carolina, June 26, 2009 - The Washington Roast has unearthed the truth: Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina was at Hogwart’s School of Magic, not on a sexual, Brazilian… »
June 26, 2009—After reviewing hundreds of hours of newly released Nixon tapes the Washington Roast has determined that the former president used more expletives in a written or recorded document… »
New York, June 29, 2009 - A federal judge sentenced Ponzi king Bernie Madoff to make 50 billion license plates in prison. Madoff has bilked investors out of over $50… »
Washington, D.C, June 26, 2009—The House of Representatives voted today to make global warming illegal. Temperatures will not be allowed to rise above the maximum of the 2011 average temperature…. »
Tegucigalpa, June 28, 2009—The Honduran military today overthrew the democratically elected government of President Manuel Zelaya in a bloodless coup; but nobody noticed.
A Washington Roast reporter woke up… »
Anchorage, July 5, 2009—Fed up by gubernatorial ennui, Sarah Palin, the Wonder of Wasilla, the Sweetheart of the Right, has quit politics to pursue a modeling career. Buoyed by her… »
Chicago, July 5, 2009—Hundreds of people plummeted to their deaths from the new glass lookout on the top of the Sears Tower. “We don’t quit have the engineering perfected,” said… »
London, July 2, 2009—The Fourth of July holiday brings shocking news to Americans of all walks of life. The Declaration in Independence was a mistake. The original copy, titled the… »
Los Angeles, July 5, 2009—The news shocked Michael Jackson fans worldwide. The King of Pop, long burnt out by drugs, was replaced by an android “No wonder his face looked… »
Minnesota, July 6, 2009–After numerous recounts and a protracted legal battle former SNL comedian Al Franken was sworn in as the new senator from Minnesota. ”It’s a great day for… »
Illinois, July 10, 2009—The American Recovery and Reinvestment Act, also known as the stimulus package, has funded a $100 million ant bridge in Illinois connecting two ant colonies previously separated… »
Manhattan, July 11, 2009–Bernie Madoff, Ponzi swindler, offered to take California IOUs this morning from his office in Manhattan’s Correctional Center. Madoff is serving 150 years at his new job… »
Sacramento, July 12, 2009—Governor Arnold Schwarzeneggar will sell autographed pictures of himself as The Terminator and Mr. Universe in order to raise money to balance the California budget. The Gropenator… »
Alsip, Ill, July 12, 2009–Hundreds of bodies were dug up and sold to Hollywood studios as zombies, authorities in Illinois announced today. Former employees of the Burr Oak Cemetery in… »
Mexico City, July 18, 2009–The Mexican government, eager to regain lost territory, made an offer today to buy the State of California. California has continued to fail to pass a… »
Washington, D.C., August 1, 2009—Our undercover reporter, using a secretly hidden microphone, has obtained the full transcript of the “Beer Summit” between President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, Professor… »
Passaic, New Jersey, August 2, 2009–The New Jersey State Democratic Party, with all of its politicians arrested for corruption, has recruited mob boss Tony Soprano to run for the governorship… »
Washington, D.C., August 2, 2009–Following up on its successful Cash for Clunkers program, Congress has decided to expand the idea to food announcing the new Cash for Cluckers program. The… »
Washington, D.C.–August 8, 2009 The Obama health plan, in order to save money and prevent tax increases, will use veterinarians for the much touted National Plan. The President said, “People… »
Smalltown, USA–August 11, 2009 Obamacare death squads have scattered throughout the United States executing patients whose health costs are deemed too expensive. Thousands of patients, mostly elderly, have been slaughtered as… »
Seoul, Korea–August 7, 2009 Convicted Americans Laura Ling and Euna Lee, escaped from a North Korean Prison yesterday after being sentenced to 12 years at hard labor for spying. The… »
Philadelphia, August 12, 2009–Michael Vick, convicted of masterminding a vicious dog fighting scheme, will now switch to bird fighting. Rumors that the former quarterback and jailbird has been signed by… »
Washington, D.C., August 14, 2009–The U.S. Postal Service announced an increase in stamp prices to $33 a stamp. The Service has been losing money since the advent of e mail… »
Tombstone, AZ–August 18, 2009 The debate over healthcare reform took a violent turn today as adversaries in the Obama health plan took the fight into the streets. Opponents and supporters… »
Washington, DC, August 23, 2009 Potential appointees for the Obama Death Panels are being vetted by the White House. “We don’t want any old people slipping through the cracks and… »
Martha’s Vineyard, August 25, 2009 With an overwhelming desire to reward failure, President Barack Obama reappointed Ben Bernanke as Federal Reserve Chairman. Mr. Bernanke, appointed Fed Chairman by the financial… »
Burma, August 26, 2009 Democracy activist Aung San Suu Kyi was sentenced to 600 more years of house arrest when she was convicted of breathing today. The Nobel laureate, who… »